Thoughts

I hate what I write, but I've promised myself that I'll post this once I'm done. We'll see how this goes.

It's Valentine's day (I've never really liked this holiday anyway) and it's about love. I've refrained from posting about what happened, but what better day, really, to post about one for whom love was everything? So here goes.

What happened was awful. I've gone through a range of emotions practically every day. Some days, I feel like I shouldn't even be this hurt. I didn't know him nearly as well or as long as anyone here. I think that's what hurts the most. There was so much more time I wanted with him, so many more things I wanted to talk about, to tell him. I miss him.

What happened with his ex... I didn't lie. I pity her. I scorn her and judge her, but I pity her. My loyalty is everything to me, and she disgraced the name of someone I love. She lied in memory of one who had pain in his eyes anytime he couldn't tell someone something, anything, because of orders. She stood up there and talked about his love for everyone, while helping keep the people he loved hidden. The entire weekend was living hypocrisy. That's what I hate most.

I probably haven't dealt very well with it all. I'm not at the house right now, for more reasons that just this, but I've pulled away. It's what I do best; I've done it before and I'll probably do it again. I'm pretty self-sufficient and when something goes wrong I go back to just me. I still talk to people, still see them at game, which is a step in the right direction I guess. It's hard not to see it as our room anymore, Jes has it now. I hope he takes care of it.

It's hard to see the family anymore without him there. He took care of all of us, forgetting his own worries to carry ours. In his absence, we all have to do our part to take his place. I know I'm doing awfully at it right now, I hope I can find the strength to.

He taught me more than I can possibly admit. He taught me that you CAN truly love more than one person at a time. I get that now. I wish I had understood it sooner. He taught me patience and persistence, with even the most knuckleheaded. Seriously. It was impossible to be around him and not learn that. He taught me what it was to really let go, to trust someone completely. That part of me will always be his. I don't think anyone else will be able to get that close.

I don't really know what else to say. He told me he wanted me to be happy, with or without him. I'll visit him every time I drive through, and maybe sometimes even when I'm not. But I'll try to do what he wanted.

And I know he didn't just want that for me.

~M