Friday, May 21, 2010

The benefits of a gluten- and casein-free diet.

This way of eating is kind of difficult. I'm hungry a lot, still trying to find the balance of what to eat, how much. It's hard to find something filling except a steak, and I can't afford to have steak with every meal. I'm trying to learn to like vegetables without butter and cheese. I'm learning to get my protein without dairy. Sometimes mayonnaise has wheat starch in it. BaconSalt has wheat flour in it (why?). I don't like soy, for the most part. The "vegan"-labeled rice cheese K bought today turns out to have a dairy product of some kind in it. Labels are important.

It's hard. So let me explain why I do it.

I feel like a different person.

Let me try to emphasize that: I. Feel. Like. A. Different. PERSON.

I can think. I can complete tasks. I don't have migraines every day. I don't worry so much. I can have social interactions with strangers on the street. I have less fear. I have less pain. I can read at length. I can write. My house is clean. My head is clearer. My dogs are cared for. I can play with my child.

I went to a psychiatrist recently. The appointment was made months ago, before the diet change. After we discussed which antidepressant to start me on, I was explaining all the differences, all the improvements. He finally said, "Do you think you need medication?"

I stared. "I don't know," I said.

I have the prescription anyway. I haven't filled it yet. I will, and I'll see if it helps. I do still have the days of crying, of not wanting to eat, of just wanting to go back to bed. We'll see if Celexa helps.

But I can think!

I've never felt like this. For the first time in 26 years, I can think about doing something, and plan it, and then do it. I hung pictures on the wall today. I walked all the dogs, and then I had individual time with them. I worked out a training program to help all three of them get back to basic training, to work on recall, heel, sit, don't run through the front door like a maniac just because it's open. Two hours every morning, first a walk and then 15 minutes training time with each of them. And I'll do it.

And I haven't had a sugar crash in a while, either.

All of that said, I'd kill for some hot chocolate made with cream, right now.

Thursday, May 20, 2010


Elijah climbs up in the window and barks. When Remmy gets more than ten feet away, Elijah looks at him, and calls out, "Ma! *kiss kiss* Ma!" Imitating me when I call Remmy back to me.

Elijah howls when we howl, tries to get his own water out of the water thing, asks for cheese ("cheeee!") and crackers ("pa!"), plays with his trains every day, and comes to Mama for hugs when he falls down.

I want to make Ethiopian food once a month.

-the McDonalds woman and her dog
-the Comcast guy and his dogs
-Train games!
-A couple of African tribes
-Madeline Hunter
-my family

Tuesday, May 18, 2010


There have been far too many arguments lately.

For instance, I'm having an argument with my dryer. It proclaims, "58min" on its blue LED display, so I set a timer for 60 minutes, with the intention of spending an hour doing something else, and then bringing up nice clean dry laundry. I go down to collect said laundry when the timer dings, and the dryer says, "18min".

So either my microwave and my dryer disagree about how long an hour takes, or my dryer is lying to me.

What do you think?

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Add to the wishlist...

I can have an F-350, right? That's a reasonable sort of vehicle when what one needs to do is haul a lot of groceries, a side of beef, and some bookshelves, right?


Tuesday, May 11, 2010

200th Post!

I'm proud of myself that there have been 200 posts now. Admittedly, in nearly two years of Elijah's life, there should have been considerably more, but 200 is much better than I probably expected myself to stick to. How's that for a convoluted sentence?

Elijah is asleep (and just as I write that, he wakes up, wanting more milk), b is at work, K is visiting her mom, and C is taking our Marine (on a week of leave! Awesome!) off to Wal-Mart for soda, so I have a few minutes to myself.

We've all been working hard on learning how to care for ourselves. If you don't take care of yourself, you can't have any patience to foster relationships and lives with others. And we need our relationships and lives, so that Elijah can get into college :)

This week is a week of cleaning. One more mad dash to get the house put in order. It never lasts long, but we can hope :p It's getting better, slowly. Instilling new habits in myself is working. Slowly. But it is working.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow, to B working from home and taking me to Manassas for my useless psychologist appointment (yeah... got leads on a new one, though, thanks to a friend), and books, and maybe hot chocolate. If I feel like cheating on gfcf.

I have a stack of books I was meaning to page through while I sat here, but I haven't even looked at them. Hello, computer! Oh my.

Sunday, May 9, 2010


I ran Deliria for the first time ever today. I've made attempts in the past, tried to put together players and characters and settings, and somehow I just never get to it. But! Now! I have an attention span! And players, and a fire pit, and food cooked over the fire, and it worked and it was cool.

Today was very full. Things are afoot and perhaps I will write about them tomorrow.

For now, goodnight <3

Friday, May 7, 2010


I have half a bridge, a rose, three red hairs, and a small toy train, because Kacy is cute!

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

This Wednesday has lots of words.

Elijah is sitting next to me, watching model train videos on my phone, while I write blog posts on my computer. I'm playing Kitchen Nightmares on C's computer, and C is reading Snow Crash next to me (I'm really excited about that, it's one of the most amazing books ever). B's computer, across the room, is playing Little Einsteins. There are wooden trains on the floor. The level of tech in this house amuses me.

Mama K has been amazing the last few days, dealing with my depression and pain and craziness and taking care of E when I am too pathetic to. Yesterday involved me sleeping too much, to combat pain and craziness. And today was my psychologist appointment, so K had E all day again. Hopefully I can let her rest for the rest of the week. I will try not to suck.

Today was interesting. I had a toasted sub from Subway, and it was amazing. I had hot chocolate from Starbucks. I asked them to make it entirely with heavy cream. And they did. It was amazing.

The reason the sandwich and the hot chocolate were amazing is they were the first wheat or dairy product I've had in a while. They were wonderful. I don't feel all that great right now, but that's okay. I'll sleep tonight, and I'll be better tomorrow. And I'll give B the rest of my sandwich.

But I will drink the rest of my hot chocolate. It is cold chocolate now, but that is perfectly okay.

Small snippet.

C, B, and I sat on the porch this evening, playing Quarto and talking. B played his harp. Elijah played with his tricycle, naked in his outdoor playpen thing, pulling the streamers off the handlebar and draping them over his head and laughing.

He's noticeably bigger, heavier, more solid than just two days ago. He's growing.

Will I miss the baby days? The toddler days?

We'll see.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

What I Absolutely Love Love Love!

Today, today, today.

Today I am thankful for:
-the firepit (not the firebowl)
-chicken cooked over a wood fire!
-potato cooked in safflower oil in the microwave

Today, this is what made me feel good:
-time with B
-the family not exploding
-family dinner also being firepit time

Today, this is what made me feel good about myself:
-cleaning the kitchen
-cleaning out the refrigerator
-organizing one of the cabinets

Saturday, May 1, 2010

It was Saturday.

Elijah went to sleep at 7pm today, two and a half hours earlier than usual. It is now 10:45pm, and while he woke up at least twice and fussed himself back to sleep, he has still kept to himself for nearly four whole hours. That's unprecedented, and really quite awesome.

The best part of today: Nursing Elijah back down, lying in his room in the dark, listening to my family sing songs around the firebowl out back, on the patio under Elijah's bedroom window.

Other notable points through the day:
-headbutting one of my Chrises many times
-talking to another of my Chrises for the first time in a while
-seeing little Alex at Gymboree again - that kid is awesome
-Elijah actually being engaged at Gymboree, and running around and playing
-sending my mom lots of Gymboree videos
-showing the Marine the body-sized box of K'Nex he gets to play with until Elijah is old enough to claim them for himself