6am

I like being awake at 6am, when no one else is awake and I can stare at my computer for a while. I have goals this month, and they involve writing more and decluttering more and loving more. If I woke up at 6am every day, I could potentially write a blog post, a Squidoo article, and relax with some tea.

In theory, I should be able to find that time during the day anyway. It's just a matter of letting myself not get overwhelmed by everything else in my world.

ChildFind is coming here on the 16th, to see how E is doing. I still want to install the therapy swing in his room. With the funeral and Jes and Emo moving in and most of us being pretty much out of it, I completely forgot half the things ChildFind wanted me to implement. But E's communication has improved anyway. And he's moved from a high chair to a booster seat!

I'm trying to figure out how to use one sensory issue against another: E uses his hands to put food on spoons or forks, and food ends up everywhere. Then he holds up his hands and says, "Wash hands."

He's having trouble with utensils, but doesn't want his hands to be messy. There's got to be a way to reconcile these two things ;)

The sun is coming up, and a freight train is rumbling by, shaking the house and whistling its good-morning. I'm going to move on to other morning tasks, and try to make this a good day.

Train out there... train on tracks!

Mama Coyote

Opinions of Family

I've been spending most of the day thinking about family and our lovely little boy. A lot about Child Find and the work we have done with E. Most of the time it is a struggle every day to get him to pronounce new words and to express his wants and needs. Having been around other two year olds before I notice the developmental delays that he has. Every day I worry that he will regress back like he has done before, and every day I worry about what sort of help he will need. I watch him play and notice little things that he can't do that other two year olds I have known can do. He works harder to do smaller things, and he still hasn't learned to jump yet.

I watch him go through his fits, the ones where he is freaking out so bad that he hurts himself. I see him stem at times, causing worry and fear on my behalf. Will he be able to have friends and socialize like most NT (neuro typical) children, or will he be considered the weird kid. These fears plague me every day, and most days I can work through them. However, today is a day where I am having trouble actually.

With the Child Find thing happening my fears have been rampaging my thoughts all day. I fear. I fear all the things that any parent would fear when having a child, but often I worry about his development with other children. Having multiple autistic people and sensory integration disorder with multiple adults, I wonder if the Child Find people thought they were learned behaviors much like I have learned behaviors.

Many doctors have often thought I have border line personality disorder because of the way I act and my social blending behavior. However, the current theory of my new doctor is that these are learned behaviors, things that I picked up from having a border line mother. So, what if E's behaviors are learned, but then again what if they aren't? Will he ever learn social cue's that are so easy for me or will he struggle like Ap and A? These are my fears, these are my worries. However, just for today I will let go and let God, for in all truth the Big Guy upstairs is the only one who has all the answers, I'm the one with the questions.

ChildFind & other things.

"If you heard a raven say such horrible things as the ones you may have heard in your day today... would it make you choose your own more carefully around the ones you love?" - Ravens in the Library, SJ Tucker

These words have been stuck in my head for two days now. Usually when words, songs, negative thoughts, etc are racing and repeating in my head, it's because I've had dairy. I can't imagine how that would have happened in the last few days--I've been especially careful--and so I am choosing to hear these words as a message.

---

The Childfind appointment was extremely interesting. The woman who played with Elijah and talked to us was very engaging, very nice, very patient. She and I talked a lot about Sensory Processing Disorder/Sensory Integration Dysfunction, and how it affects Elijah and how it affects everyone else in the household. She was interested in us, and did not dismiss the idea of gfcf. She gave us a list of heavy work activities, and leads on some other resources and some book names. She's sending me some information and a couple of chapters of a book to help with our work with Elijah. I liked her a lot.

On the evaluation front, it looks like they're not especially worried, and may only check up on him again in a few months. They may tag him with Sensory Processing Disorder, which doesn't make him eligible for any services. If we hadn't been doing any work, if we hadn't gone gluten and casein free, I'm pretty sure he would have retreated further than he already had (loss of language, loss of most forms of interaction), and they would have taken one look at him and given all the help necessary.

There are two ways to look at this:
1. Helping Elijah ourselves at home means he won't get the help he needs outside of home.
2. Doing all the work we've done means he won't NEED the extra help outside.

I can make the argument that this is a child who has come back from a loss of language, through so much work from his family. We need help to continue that work. Please, don't dismiss the problems because of the progress and help us. Please. Don't penalize Elijah because we've done so much work with him. Don't penalize us because we've put our hearts and lives and sleep aside so we can take do this work for our child.

Will I remember that next Tuesday?

I have to.

Good morning, world. Today will be a good day.

Mama Coyote

Good Morning.

Time to get ready to go to the ChildFind appointment. I have two dogs and a cat vying for my attention, and no desire to get out of bed ;)

Babysteps... first, warm pajama pants... and then... tea!

Mama Coyote