Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Opinions of Family

I've been spending most of the day thinking about family and our lovely little boy. A lot about Child Find and the work we have done with E. Most of the time it is a struggle every day to get him to pronounce new words and to express his wants and needs. Having been around other two year olds before I notice the developmental delays that he has. Every day I worry that he will regress back like he has done before, and every day I worry about what sort of help he will need. I watch him play and notice little things that he can't do that other two year olds I have known can do. He works harder to do smaller things, and he still hasn't learned to jump yet.
I watch him go through his fits, the ones where he is freaking out so bad that he hurts himself. I see him stem at times, causing worry and fear on my behalf. Will he be able to have friends and socialize like most NT (neuro typical) children, or will he be considered the weird kid. These fears plague me every day, and most days I can work through them. However, today is a day where I am having trouble actually.
With the Child Find thing happening my fears have been rampaging my thoughts all day. I fear. I fear all the things that any parent would fear when having a child, but often I worry about his development with other children. Having multiple autistic people and sensory integration disorder with multiple adults, I wonder if the Child Find people thought they were learned behaviors much like I have learned behaviors.
Many doctors have often thought I have border line personality disorder because of the way I act and my social blending behavior. However, the current theory of my new doctor is that these are learned behaviors, things that I picked up from having a border line mother. So, what if E's behaviors are learned, but then again what if they aren't? Will he ever learn social cue's that are so easy for me or will he struggle like Ap and A? These are my fears, these are my worries. However, just for today I will let go and let God, for in all truth the Big Guy upstairs is the only one who has all the answers, I'm the one with the questions.

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