Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Family is always there
So I'm grieving the loss of Ap terribly. I've known him for 12 or 13 years, I helped him with his school work, I helped him eat, I gave him sanctuary when his parents were insane, and I love him very deeply. I keep remembering all the firsts he had with me. I was the first girl he really kissed and that makes me happy. There are times that I get so deep into the mourning that everything seems dark and bleak. Like I don't deserve to be happy or deserve to be loved, because he can't anymore. Then I start to pull into myself, isolating away from the people who love me. I struggle on a day to day basis to get out of bed and put my next best foot forward. The one thing I need to remind myself of is family is always there. When I hurt they are there to hold me, when I'm angry they are there to calm my flame, and when I'm lonely they give me the love I need to help me get through it. I've been struggling a lot recently, after my mom told me my lifestyle was sick, I've found it really hard to not think that myself. Then I take moments and realize I'm happy here. I'm happy in my home with my family. The most important person in my life right now is E, and the family as a whole is the most important thing in my life. So why do I have such a hard time accepting the love and the happiness. I have to wonder about my life, and think about what events lead up to the fear that rules my life. I do not accept the fear anymore. I want to move past this, I want to be happy and act happy. That is my goal. I will always love you Ap, you meant the world to me, your presence will never be forgotten. I will tell stories of you to E and talk to him about explosives just for you.